you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
