I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
