you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
