She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
