K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
