I think I won the penis lottery.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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