u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
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