This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
