I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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