You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
