I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
