your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
