I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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