Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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