dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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