he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
