Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
