I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
