i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You were trust falling into bushes
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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