FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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