Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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