You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
