omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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