I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
