you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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