I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
