Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
im six kinds of drunk right now
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
