You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
