alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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