Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
