i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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