be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
