His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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