She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
