Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
