Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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