i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We left the knife in your bed.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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