dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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