Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
