When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
