Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
