He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
