I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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