he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
They are going to name an STD after you.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
