I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
