So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
