Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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