i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
