broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
