Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
