i was rollin on her like bob the builder
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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