How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Also, beer. Big fan.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
