I just threw up on my dentist
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
