Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
